The harder you try to control others, the less control you have
"What you have taken by deceit will fail; what you receive through love is yours forever." Rumi
While manipulation may seem like a path to power and control, it operates on a paradoxical principle: the more we attempt to control and coerce others, the more we undermine our own agency and create the very circumstances we seek to avoid. This is not karmic justice but rather a fundamental energetic law that determines cause and effect.
Our beliefs and actions create specific energetic signatures, or resonant frequencies, that attract corresponding experiences, like a lock that can only be opened by its matching key.
Morty Lefkoe illustrates this phenomenon in his book, Re-create Your Life. He describes his realization that seeing himself as someone who overcomes obstacles was actually drawing obstacles into his life so that he could prove to himself that he never gives up. The energetic match to overcoming is something to overcome, just as the energetic match to being a problem-solver is a problem. We also witness this in the victim-perpetrator dynamic, where identification as a victim draws a perpetrator to fulfill that belief.
Similarly, someone who believes they need control for security will eventually draw an out-of-control situation. The belief in needed control (the lock) draws its corresponding key as situations that defy control, like the free-spirited partner or surprise firing from a job. Moreover, manipulation's energetic signature of force and coercion inevitably attracts its complement: resistance and withdrawal. Each manipulation attempt generates stronger opposition, creating an escalating cycle of control and resistance.
The self-aware person sees this pattern. A practice of self-examination trains us to notice the contrast presenting itself in our lives, look objectively at our actions, and probe the beliefs driving them. When we see the energetics of a situation, we empower ourselves to make a different choice that brings us closer to what we truly want, without deception.
The Escalation Trap
In Cultivating ‘Truthsense,’ I offered an example of a contractor’s manipulation tactics in response to safety and security concerns involving his employees. When we look at the energetics, we see the contractor, seeking to control the situation, employing increasingly desperate manipulation tactics like denial, attacks, and manufactured victimhood.
As the energetic law would predict, each escalation generated stronger resistance from me and more unease for him as he confronted his own powerlessness. His fear of losing his company led to behaviors that damaged his professional relationships and reputation, making my case even more compelling - the very outcomes he sought to prevent. The energy invested in maintaining control through manipulation could have been directed toward genuine accountability and repair, which would have resolved the situation. Instead, he must now live under the threat that at any time I could go public.
We see a similar self-defeating pattern in relationships, particularly when one person cannot accept when the relationship ends. The cycle often looks like this, with attempts to force connection resulting in greater disconnection:
* Ex feels powerless → Increases control attempts through emotional manipulation
* Control fails → Feels more powerless
* Tries harder → Gets less results
* Escalates and changes tactics → Faces stronger boundaries
* Refuses reality → Reality becomes more painful
Again, the person gets more of what they were trying to avoid because the field always returns an energetic complement to what is put out.
This will continue until the situation gets uncomfortable enough to prompt self-awareness and an energetically different choice.
Breaking the Container of Trust
This self-perpetuating pattern shows how manipulation operates on borrowed power. Rather than drawing from authentic personal authority, the manipulator attempts to trick the other person into ceding their power by manipulating their perceptions, emotions, and choices. Think guilt trips, pity parties, shaming, false debts, passive-aggression, and veiled threats. These can happen directly or by sending in a proxy.
However, this borrowed power is based on an illusion of control, which makes it inherently unstable. The more energy invested in maintaining these false power dynamics through escalating emotional blackmail, the more desperate and depleted the manipulator becomes and the more likely it is for the other person to wake up to what is happening and put a stop to it.
It stops because no one likes to be manipulated. It is a violation of trust, respect, and personal autonomy. It insults our intelligence and betrays the emotional sanctuary shared with another person. Instead of the natural give-and-take in healthy relationships, manipulation is an attempted bypassing of a person’s intellect and judgment to bring the manipulator what he or she wants through emotional hooks.
Sometimes putting a stop to manipulation means accepting others’ negative opinions. People don’t usually like it when people put up boundaries or challenge their means of control. They might paint that person as a villain or create negative narratives based on their biased perspective. That is ok. As is often said, being true to yourself is more important than being liked or understood, particularly when manipulators may exploit that need to be liked as part of their manipulation strategy.
What Self-Awareness Shows
In the last article, I focused on how to spot manipulation when it is directed at you. While avoiding manipulation may be a first step, equally important is not doing it yourself. We break those habits through self-awareness and a commitment to honest connection. When the discomfort of contrast presents itself, when you have not gotten what you want or feel bad for what you achieved through clever means, pay attention to what precipitated it.
Self-reflection questions:
When I feel I'm not getting what I want, do I try to make others feel guilty, afraid, or responsible for my emotions rather than expressing my needs directly?
Am I attempting to control outcomes by withholding information, creating artificial urgency, feigning concern, or using emotional leverage instead of being transparent?
When faced with resistance or boundaries, do I escalate by bringing up unrelated hardships, positioning myself as a victim, or questioning others' motives?
What am I afraid would happen if I simply asked directly for what I want and accepted the other person's right to say no?
By recognizing the pattern and understanding the energetics of cause and effect, we can intellectually elevate ourselves beyond manipulative behavior, if for no other reason than realizing that manipulation doesn’t work. Lower energies never birth higher things.
While manipulation may temporarily extract what we want, authentic connection freely gives what we need.
In releasing our grip on control, we create space for willing participation, genuine care, and lasting relationships built on trust rather than borrowed power.
The energetic match for someone who approaches life with openness, respect, and abundance is precisely that - an abundance of genuine connection and freely given support. When we release manipulative tactics, we often find people naturally want to help, support, and connect. As expressed by Peace Pilgrim, an elderly woman who crossed the country several times alone on foot with no money or possessions:
"Living in the spirit of God's law, I find that my needs are always supplied, often in amazing ways…”
The path beyond manipulation leads to more authentic and sustainable ways of relating. When we let go of forcing outcomes through emotional leverage, we discover that genuine connection flows naturally through direct, honest communication. Making clear requests while honoring others' autonomy, being transparent about our needs and intentions, and accepting others' right to choose creates trust rather than eroding it. This approach requires the courage to be vulnerable rather than controlling, to maintain clear boundaries without resorting to emotional coercion, and to cultivate mutual respect instead of seeking the upper hand.
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