Updated: Sep 22
What happened when I stopped pushing and started allowing
“It's the springtime of my life” – The Bangles
Spring shows us how quickly things can change. One moment, the earth appears dead and dormant and the next, it is exploding with green and bloom. What blossoms is not random—it is more of what it already is, coming to life and expressing its beauty. This March, my life was like the springtime sprouting all around me.
I want to tell you a story.
Mid-month, I went deep into some old patterns that were coming up for me. I paid attention to my feelings and urges and came to the clearest point of understanding that I have yet about what it means to truly allow and accept, especially when it comes to other people’s journey. When there was a choice to make, I resisted my old ways and made a different decision—the higher consciousness choice.
That decision was an energetic declaration. It was like a powerful push from the dock of my old self into new waters.
When I did that, it was as if a forcefield dropped and everything that had been hanging out in the ether waiting for me to be in receiving mode could finally come in.
That same night, I met a man who I may love for the rest of my days. The second I saw him, there was a flash of knowing. Him. Little did I know, the same thing was happening for him. Her. And now there is an Us and tremendous joy in my heart.
Around the same time, I was approached with a business opportunity that could be a perfect fit for me. It is still pending but has all the signs of moving ahead.
And finally, a couple of weeks later, I was under contract on a cute house by the river.
On a clear day, walking in the sun, I looked up to the sky with grateful tears in my eyes. I finally and viscerally realized that I am creating the life I want. That all of the inner excavation and clearing away had brought me to the abundance, contentment, and happiness I had always wanted.
But then something happened with the house. Something weird.
It wasn’t a dream house, but it would have been a great place to fix up and live for a while before renting it out. It was someone’s parents’ house, who had passed away a few years before. We went under contract on Thursday and on Monday morning, I got the unexpected call from my realtor telling me the seller had been murdered on Saturday. That was a bit of a curveball, but it actually felt like an obstacle being cleared in the form of removing potential neighbor trouble (he lived further down the road), so I wasn’t deterred. I know how to clear bad energy!
I kept pushing on. Then I got the call that the FBI was involved and it was getting ugly. That was my sign to bail and I did.
Of course, there was the disappointment of losing the house, but I briefly went to the darker place of second-guessing myself. I had been on cloud 9 thinking that everything was coming up Carolyn and life was just going to be one blessing after another from now on. To have my house deal fall through (and from murder!) shook my confidence. What if I was wrong about the guy and the business? Would they slip through my fingers too? I started to feel nervous.
But here’s the thing. There was an important difference with the house. I was pushing and forcing. I liked the house and it made sense for me, but what I really wanted was the certainty of knowing where I am going to live once my current lease ends in May. I raced into the house, impatiently agitating to get the signatures, and accepting a higher counter than I really wanted to just to have it locked down. In trying to control my way through it all, I was acting out of lack and fear, including rationalizing away concerns I had about the seller as a neighbor. I had forgotten that the complement to control is an out-of-control situation.
In contrast, with the partner and the business opportunity, they largely came to me. Yes, with the guy, I had to go out that night, welcome him when he came over to talk, and give him my number, but everything that needed to happen for us to come together happened without any awareness or maneuvering by me. It was the law of attraction at work.
What is a match will be drawn together. It’s physics.
Same with the business opportunity. I had signaled that I was open to opportunities and one came in. I had to flip the open sign, so to speak, but once I did, the opportunity found me.
What this tells me is that my greatest good will come to me when I allow it in.
With a desire in my heart, I will take the actions I need to take without knowing why I’m taking them. I will be where I need to be at the moment I need to be there without understanding or planning in advance. In the moment, everything will be there. All the pieces will come together. We call it synchronicity. But really, it is creation. It is divine orchestration by an infinite intelligence that is both you and something so much larger than you.
When you get this, you see that there is never reason to worry.
Even with the house. I was tenacious but I was protected and guided away from trouble. No harm came to me, no money was lost. When the energy was no longer there, I walked away. If it really is my house, it will come back around.
Which brings me to my final message. In my momentary despair, I had fallen into destination thinking. This idea that one day I will arrive and the world will stand still for me, giving me the certainty I’ve longed for, where there is no more struggle. I am not saying it has to be hard. Life can keep getting more amazing, with joy after joy. But that is not the same as having “arrived.” Creation never stops. Energy is always changing form, which changes what shows up in our lives.
And again, we come to acceptance. To realize that energy comes and goes and flows. The point is not to cling to what shows up but enjoy it while it is here. And when the energy has left, let it go.
What made the difference for me was letting go of control and the million ways control likes to show up. I let go of having an opinion about other people and their lives, trying to force outcomes, trying to change people’s minds, caring what other people think of me, satisfying the expectations of others, judging myself for what doesn’t seem to be going right, and the list goes on and on.
When I did, I realized that the highest expression of human love is acceptance. To accept others as they are and allow them their journey. To accept myself for all that I am, have been, and will be. To see it all as divine.
Acceptance is not apathy or endorsement. It is respect. And from that place of respect, I can be a light. I can offer support. I can be of service in a way that upholds dignity and equality.
These are the new seeds I’m planting this spring. Acceptance. Allowance. Love. I am so excited to see what grows.
What seeds are you planting this spring?
*From the April 2023 newsletter